Questions customers ask - the honest replies!

Anyone who works in a pharmacy will have heard some or all of these.  In bold are the standard polite answers we have to give, in italics, what I would LOVE to be able to say!

1.  It's only a box of tablets.
Yes it is, let me just get them for you right away!
Yes, and there are 10 people "just wanting a box of tablets" in front of you.  Did you want the CORRECT ones?

2.  I'll be back in 5 minutes, okay?
Yes, absolutely, that's fine.
Well, actually it's going to take a bit longer than that because you have ten items, and there's three in front of you, and by the way, yes I do have a tannoy in Waitrose so I can let you know in there that it's ready!

3. (on asking to speak to the pharmacist specifically).  Please can I order my prescription?
Yes of course, which items did you need?
You do know my dispensers and counter assistants are perfectly capable of taking your order, and I have like a billion and one other things to do?

4.  (Usually men this one I'm afraid).  I don't need to go to the doctor about this do I, it will be fine next week won't it?
Well, maybe try this for a few days, but if it doesn't help, you must see your G.P.
You raving looney, you should have gone to the doctor like last week already, why don't you take care of yourself?

5.  I should've put my request in last week but I didn't, can you give me some tablets until my prescription comes back?
Let me talk to the doctor and look at your record and I'll see what I can do, we can sort something out.
Well because YOU'RE disorganised it's suddenly MY problem?  You do know the doctors are open so I shouldn't really supply you, but you're not going to go round there and bug them are you, you're here bugging me!

6.  Can you deliver that after 2pm but before 4pm, I've got to go to the nurse in the morning, and then my daughter's taking me out for tea.
I'll let the driver know and I'm sure she'll do her best to do that!
So you want a delivery service but you're never in?  You're going out twice, but on neither occasion can you come here to get your medication, you just want to use our complimentary service because you're lazy.  Our driver works all day, and now she has to deliver everyone else's prescriptions around the specific time you HAVE to have yours!

7.    Can I get a 1ml pack please?*
Yes of course, how many did you need?
I really wish you wouldn't and somehow we could get you not to use at all, I feel sorry for you and would love to know what in your life got you in this state.
* pack of needles together with accompanying paraphanaelia for injecting, normally for heroin addicts to use

8. Can you be quick with that yeah, I've got a taxi waiting outside.
Yes, we'll do that straight away for you.
Really?  a) I wish I could afford to get taxis everywhere.  b) That is NOT a reason to put you to the front of the queue!  c) Where's the problem with sending that one away and getting another one when you are finished your business?

9.  Oh, you can't sell me that/give me my prescription because the pharmacist is on lunch?
Yes, I'm really sorry but while she's not here it's against the law, there are some other pharmacies along the street, or she will be back at ____.
Yes, I'm sorry the pharmacist is human and not a robot, and has to have a rest and eat in the middle of the day, as is her human right!

10.  Why haven't you given me these tablets on my prescription?  I need them, I've run out!
I'm really sorry, that's your re-order form, not the prescription we dispense off, let me ring the doctor and see what the problem is.
Yes, even if we ordered them correctly, the doctors probably had a stupid moment and left them off your actual prescription.  Just because something is not as you expect, does not mean it's our fault!  9/10 times we are doing what the doctor said and it's nothing to do with us at all!